Most people really don’t want to hear what you are thinking or feeling, so you give them a short “I’m okay”. You see it in their face and you have certainly been there before, so you maneuver around the truth to make it all sound so perfectly pleasant in that cheery voice of yours. You’ve gotten good at it, but you can’t seem to feel good about it. Explaining your limitations has become a roadblock to anyone ever getting close to you. You can see people visibly cringe.
A chronic, debilitating illness can be a very shameful thing in the eyes of the person afflicted. Nephew’s die, sister’s are buried, sons feel abandoned, and grandsons wonder why you don’t come to see them and you carry all of this in the whisper of a scream that you “want your life back”. In my case, migraines are triggered when my emotions are all knotted up. The kind that make you put ear plugs in to avoid sound and put a blanket over your blinds to keep the slits of the sun out, phones are turned off and you pray for sleep.
All the reasons for my actions or lack thereof twist and turn in my head like a tornado. There is no peace. I hear the words that I should feel more positive, but it is hard to feel that way if you face a fear that has been taunting you for months and you agree to go into a large grocery store with your care giver and you end up experiencing uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea from one end of the store to the other. Oh, my care giver was good about it all, but the ladies that came in the restroom to the foul smell that was me were all appalled and I don’t blame them. I wear a panty liner and sometimes depends, but those are really designed for urinary issues.
One of the biggest privileges that I have had to “temporarily” suspend is driving. That took every last bit of independence that I had left. Since my gastrectomy, vagotomy, I have had a mirad of electrolyte problems, such as sodium or potassium that would land me in the hospital. The iron in-deficiency is usually handled out patient. Since any one of these things can make me have a seizure, I took myself off the road until I am stabilized or….who knows.
So, if you know someone who has not been well, look into their eyes when you ask them how they are. You may find wisdom and humor woven into the conversation.
Talk to you soon,